Another fucking blog

lies

2011-10-04T01:55:00.000-07:00

I often feel like I'm the only, really honest person there is.
Even if I lie about almost everything.
I lie to people all the time, but then again I tell them that I do. I've told people never to trust me. Many times.

But the thing is. I try very hard to be true to myself nowadays.
Including really letting myself be ugly.
You know what I hate?
People who says "Oh, you hate him do you? Noo you don't, hate is such a strong word."
(Yes. I know it is. I do hate him. And now I hate you to. I hate you to.)
People who cries to stupid tv programs about cancerkids or animals who gets tortured AND THEN TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT. "I was extremly moved, I cried for several hours afterwards. Felt sooo sorry for the kids/animals, I wish I could DO SOMETHING" (Oh no you don't. Your glad its them and not you.)

Nobody really cares about anyone else. Not really.

Sweden

2011-10-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

Yes. So I've been thinking.
People in sweden really smell. I hate people who smell.
I think its because most people here are constantly nervous.
About what? I don't know. I think it's just a way of life.

BUT all things considered. I'm glad I'm back in this cold smelly country.
Suits me better in so many ways.

What have you guys been up to?

What you mean "Back"?

2010-08-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry guys.
I don't mean to assfuck you (in a bad way).
I am back.
Not just..alot.

2010-06-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Where have I been?
I spent about 15 weeks at a place called "Freja" in the north of Sweden.
They tried to mend me there.
Almost everyone in the staff did a really good job.
Maby not a great job, I mean, I'm still fucked up, but they did do a good job, because now, at least I can almost breathe again.

I made some new friends there to. My favourite one I named "Tilli.
Im gonna tell you all about her later.
.

Generation kill

2010-06-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt about killing.
Murder.
I had murdered 3 persons. All men.

It didn't feel very good.
I thought I was cold.
Empty.
When I woke up, I felt relieved.
Not about killing them, because I had'nt done so.
Because I had not done so.

Alot of things has happend since we last met.
I missed U all.

My nose has been broken.
I've lost weight.
I've gained weight.
I've lost it again.
I spent alot of time in the hospital in Sweden.
I found Hopes adress and wrote her a letter.
I missed my girls.
I missed myself.
I almost died.
I almost lived.

I'm back.

2010-06-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

Still alive.
Still breathing.

The end?

2010-03-21T03:25:00.000-07:00

I'm considering to stop blogging.
I no longer find the words.
Or the feeling.

Giving up, or giving in.
If you disappear from the Internet, you disappear in general?
You die?

I also think I should get back together with Benj.
Say sorry and just... be his.
Maby it's not so bad to have somebody deciding everything for you?
I no longer have the strength to create my own reality.
He might as well do it for me.
If he want's me, I'm his.

If this is the last you hear from me, I want to say thank you.
You have enriched my life. You have moved me. Made my life a little better.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Vacation?

2010-03-16T04:11:00.000-07:00

France.

Who's with me?

movietime

2010-03-09T14:07:00.000-08:00

What you know you can't explain but you feel it.
You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad

I will stop soon.

2010-03-08T07:37:00.000-08:00

Carry me
Embrace me
What I win I lose
This is my truth

Of every pain there is, I've felt, this is like never before
I miss your face you are in my dreams I die like never before

Carry me

Very gay.

2010-03-07T10:19:00.000-08:00

Thank God for friends.
Thank God for girls.
I'm going to try my best to become a lesbian.
Tips?

sorry. again.

2010-03-07T06:19:00.000-08:00

I'm not dead.
I've just been busy with being depressed over mum leaving and Benjamins"spontaneous visits".

Bodies

2010-02-26T09:41:00.000-08:00

You gain an antropy
I feel like it´s fucking me
A love lead of the energy
Love living like a deity
Won a day
What a day
Jesus really died for me
I guess Jesus really tried for me

Bodies in the body tree
Bodies making chemistry
Bodies on my family
Bodies in the way I mean
Bodies in the cemetery
And that´s the way it´s got to be

Got to be rejection
From my reflection
I want perfection...

Hartford 1995

2010-02-25T00:07:00.000-08:00

Baby, I've been, breaking glass in your room again
Listen

Don't look at the carpet, I drew something awful on it
See

You're such a wonderful person
But you got problems oh-oh-oh-oh
I'll never touch you

Cats

2010-02-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

The cat (Felis silvestris catus), also known as the domestic cat or housecat to distinguish it from other felines and felids, is a small domesticated mammal that is valued by humans for its companionship and its ability to hunt vermin and household pests.

Cats have been associated with humans for at least 9,500 years, and are currently the most popular pet in the world.

Due to their close association with humans, cats are now found almost everywhere on Earth. This extreme adaptability and their worrying impacts on native animals has led to them being classed as an invasive species.

Most of these problems are caused by the large number of feral cats worldwide, with a population of up to 60 million of these animals in the United States alone.
Cats are similar in size and anatomy to the other Felids with light, flexible bodies and teeth adapted to killing small prey.

A skilled predator, the cat hunts over 1,000 species for food, using its excellent eyesight and hearing.

Blush

2010-02-24T05:33:00.000-08:00

If today was not an endless highway and last night a wild and winding path
if tomorrow did not not feel so infinite then loneliness is a word that doesnt exist

But only if my love is waiting if I hear his heart softly beating if he only was this close to me
I can be the one I was yesterday

I cant see my reflection in the water
I cant say careless words
I cant hear my echo beat the street
Cant remember who I was yesterday

There is beauty in the river's silver songs, there is beauty in the dawn sun but when I look at my beloved's eye
A beauty greater than anything that I know

George

2010-02-23T03:28:00.000-08:00

You take the trouble to construct a civilization, to build a society based on the principles of... of principle.
You make government and art and realize that they are, must be, both the same.
You bring things to the saddest of all points, to the point where there is something to lose.
Then, all at once, through all the music, through all the sensible sounds of men building, attempting, comes the Dies Irae.
And what is it?
What does the trumpet sound?
Up yours.

Like a puzzle

2010-02-22T01:31:00.000-08:00

Everybody seems to be in pieces now.
Not me.
I'm collecting them.

yes?

2010-02-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

Today:
Lace and a glued on piercing to show mom what a great idea it is for me to get a real one.

conversations

2010-02-19T12:01:00.000-08:00

Mom: So...this...... is.....where you live?
Me: ...yes.
Mom: It's...very cosy.
Me: I know.
Mom (looking at the walls): um. Signe?
Me: Yes mom?
Mom: Am I..looking at your breasts right now?
Me: yes. Yes you are.
Mom: Why am I looking at your breasts?
Me: I forgot to tell you. Im also a photographer-artist now.
Mom: A photographer-artist?
Me: A photographer-artist.
Mom: Ok.
Me: Mhm.
Mom: Is that really..
Me: No it's not a word. I just made it a word. Like, you know, I'm a word-artist.
Mom: Ok.
Me: ..........
Mom: Signe, I think you are a very talented photographer-artist.
Me: Thank you.
Mom: Can you please take that down when I'm here?
Me: Most def.

until now, part 1

2010-02-18T05:09:00.000-08:00

My name is Signe.
About 6 months ago I moved to Silverlake from Sundsvall Sweden.
I did it to find happiness.
To be somebody.
To find Hope. (click on the link people, I am not talking about hope. I'm talking about Hope.)
To get away from some bad people.
To see the sun.

I live in a small apartment close to my job at Floras cafe´.
I go to as many auditions that I can. Movies, commersials, theater plays, model jobs, whatever.
A while ago a met a boy. His name was Benjamin. We fell in love.
I met his family. They touched me. (Not my soul. My body)
Me and Benjamin were a lovely couple. We really were.
He was very kind to me. Then we had a fight. He found my blog. We had another fight. He became very jealous. His eyes went black. So did my body. Black and blue.
We broke up.

I made some friends.
They made out with each other.
And lately, as it turns out also with each others boyfriends.

Visit.

2010-02-17T11:38:00.000-08:00

Mom's here.
When she saw me she cried.
Then I cried because she cried.
Then we hold each other and cried. For like two hours.

Then we had some tea.
Tomorrow I will bring her to the café to meet wonderful Flora and Sarah.

questions

2010-02-17T11:29:00.000-08:00

I need some help here.
I really need my extra key.
Benjamin left it as his mothers place, and he wont get it for me.
So.
Yes.
I need to call her.
And pick it up.

How do I do that?
What should I say?
Does she hate me now? (Probably)
And why is Benjamin still reading my blog?

2010-02-16T08:58:00.000-08:00

Im sorry guys.
I've been really busy with the car commercial.
It's finished now, it was great fun to do it, and I look forward to seeing the results.

Mum is coming tomorrow.
I can't wait.
And also, I cant figure out what I want to show her first, who I want her to meet.

And yes, if I could get my key back from Benjamin, that would be swell.

But Im still into nudity. Dont worry.

2010-02-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

1. I need this dress
2. I miss my blond hair.
3. Since when do I care about clothes? Well, from today I guess.

Kisses.

big win

2010-02-11T23:15:00.000-08:00

I heard a wonderful thing today.
MOM IS COMING HERE!!
omgomgomgomg.
I miss her so much.
And I can't wait for her to meet Flora and my girls!
Jippieee!
Glädjens fest!

Now I need to clean my apartment.
I will do it, singing this song.

SuperSigne

2010-02-10T13:30:00.000-08:00

If I could choose a superpower.
It would be invisibility.
Fuck flying, be really really strong, being able to teleport, and everything else.
I'd take invisibility over them any day.
That's kind of weird coming from a girl who just wants to be seen, don't you think?

What would you choose?

talented girl

2010-02-09T12:27:00.000-08:00

For those of you who noticed my new banner and thought:
"OH WOW! That's the best banner I've ever seen! Signe could never maid it herself! It's so...perfect. Fits the blog so well. Mmmm. Banner.."

You are absolutely right.
I didn't do it myself.
Sara did.
If you click on her link you can
1. credit her for her good work
2. ask her to do yours
3. read her post about me and then help me understand what she means. (If you want to be a little undercovercop about it you can email me, signesigne@ymail.com)

(Actually, even if you hate undercovercops, email me anyway. I really would love to hear, ehm, read what's on your great minds)

All my love.

I'm sorry but

2010-02-09T11:41:00.000-08:00

How beautiful is this woman?
Dear lord.

And also, AAAH my hair! My hair!

The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.

2010-02-08T21:21:00.000-08:00

Hah.

Ok so I've got a job.
It's a car commercial. (Shut up, alot of serious actors do commercials this days of financial crisis)
They want to make it Pulpfictionich. (Don't ask)
So they are going to cut my hair.
And dye it.

If I said yes? Well of course.
Do you know how much they pay?
I do. (ALOT)

I find it very amusing that they can't find some girl who, well, looks more like Uma Thurman. But hey. I like people that aren't picky.

Can you see it?
=)

Flora

2010-02-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

I know I told you this 100 times before.
But I have the best boss.
Her name is Flora and she's the owner of the cafe´where I work.

She always gives me time of to go to auditions.
She let's me call mum from her phone. (Mum lives in Sweden = expensive to talk to her)
She hugs me everyday.
She pays me more money than she should.

I was really worried when Benjamin dumped me.
They are friends, that's how I met him.
What would Flora think? I know Benjamin blames me for everything, would she?

When I told her, she was silent for a long time.
Then she said "Why?".
I took my shirt off.
She gave me a hug (a soft one).
And she didn't say it, but I know she will never speak to him again.

Before this

2010-02-07T23:41:00.000-08:00

Often when I read blogs I found myself thinking, "for the love of God, if you can't spell, don't write."
Then I moved to LA and started a blog in english.
I can't write in english.

I thought people would be cruel to me.
Commenting about my bad language.
Asking me to please stop writing.
Learn the language goddamnit!
But no.

None of you have.
Because you are the best blog-readers in the world.
Yes you are.
And I -really- do Love you all.

If you want to be my friend you can find me here.
Please do.

What do you do

2010-02-07T16:02:00.001-08:00

when people do this to you?

(Love them)

young love.

2010-02-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

You know how different seasons and how they smell can bring you back to a certain emotion, immediately you go back to the memory of specific event?

I was 9.
It was dinner with steak and Vienetta for dessert on Sundays, the longing for a summer vacation that never wanted to come and I was in love with a boy.
Micke. Micke. Micke. Micke.
He had the coolest bicycle and brown eyes.
For a whole lifetime I had been in love with Mike.
At least half a year anyway.
We would get married but we would not have children, only 2 rabbits.

One day I found a note on my bench.
"Do u want to be my girrlfriend? From Micke"
My heart pounded. I almost died.
I became all red and warm.
YEEEEES! I wanted to scream but instead I wrote
"Yes, okay you can"

On the next break Mike's friend Andreas came to me.
I did not like him very much because had a studder and long nails.
Andreas told me that he accidentally put Mickes note on the wrong bench. The right bench was Annikas bench.
He asked if I could ask Annika to be Mickes girlfriend for him.
I did.
She said yes.

Party.

2010-02-07T10:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to a party at Avys house with Kim.
For me it was kind of like a "blogparty" or a huge blindate because a lot of the girls there, I only "met" true their blogs.

Kim had made me a vegan lemon cheesecake. Can you imagine?
She actually baked me a cake. For my birthday.
Nobody has ever done that before. Except for my mom of course.

Had a great evening, despite some dramatic events.
Tell you more about it later.

<3

Future

2010-02-07T01:15:00.000-08:00

(picture borrowed from flickr)

Future.
People are so very interested in it.
My one that is.
Just because I'm not close to dying of old age people think they have the right to intrude in my personal life and ask me how I want my future.
With nails and claws.
"What do you want to dooooo? "Who do you want to beeeee?"
If you're not sure or dont want to answere their questions you get advises.
Suddenly, the bastards are experts in your life.

Next time someone asks me what I want to do.
I will answer "nothing".
Nothing at all.

(And yes. It's my birthday today)

Never give up

2010-02-06T05:05:00.000-08:00

So far my attempts to find Hope has been unsuccessful.
When you can't find what your looking for on the Internet you get totally confused.
Child of my generation? Yes.

I don't know where to begin, I can't remember when I saw the show.
I don't know her last name.
Is she alive?
Where does she live?
I don't even know if Hope is her real name.

But I will find her. I will.

And hey, thank you for telling me about your selfs.
<3

some people

2010-02-05T00:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it feels like people gets stuck on you.
Sticks firmly like glue.
Touching one's body.
Grabbing one's soul.
Unwanted guests who crowd into your head and reality.
You try to get rid off them but they have barbs, and will not disappear.
Such people never disappear.
You can only get rid of Such people if you disappear yourself.
Fade
or
languish.

Then you can kill them with full force.

Love letters

2010-02-04T14:23:00.000-08:00

"February 4, 2010 5:34 AM
Anonymous said...
You make me sad. How about that.
/B."

Yeah Benjamin. How about that?
Really?
No, wait.
REALLY?

Ok.
Well.
I wouldn't want you to feel sad Benjamin.
I wouldn't want you to get hurt.
I mean. In any way. Hurt.
So here's some tips for you.
1. Stop being an ass.
2. Really. Stop.
3. I'f I make you sad, then don't read my blog. Stop calling me. Stop dropping by the cafe´. Basically, leave me alone. I think that's best for both of us, because like you said, I'm a "loony, unstable bitch", and if I ever see you again I will stab you in the eye with a screwdriver, and I don't mean the drink. Yes?

How about that?

Uppdat:

"Anonymous said...
How about grow up and answere my calls and leave me the fukn hell outa this damn blog, or what eva it´s called.
& yeah I took the bait, so fukn what."

Tell me everything.

2010-02-04T02:19:00.000-08:00

Dear friends.
The last couple of days the number of people reading this blog has increased very much.
I am so happy about that.
Very happy.
And very curious.
Who are you guys? Tell me!

I'll go first:

Name: Signe
Makes me happy: Lemons, green tea, friends, mom.
Live where? Silverlake, LA
Makes me sad: society, Benjamin, music
Favorite blog: (among many others) http://ice-age-heat-wave.blogspot.com/
My own blog: http://soonitwillbeme.blogspot.com/
Favorite food: Soya yoghurt with berries
Favorite look: Audrey Hepburn (I know, boring, but I really do adore her!)
Life story: Read my blog. =)
(Feel free to write as much as you want here)

Your turn.

words 2

2010-02-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

Ok.
Today I'm over Benjamin.

I think I really did love him dearly, but fuck that.
I loved the time we spent together but I don't care anymore.
He destroyed our evenings, mornings, nights and days.
I lost him, he made me loose him.
He lost me.

He was wonderful though. And the way he effectively managed sometimes to made me feel was even better.
But he does not know me anymore I am somebody else.
He created her.

No more crying.
I wash my mind clean and press away that strong something in my chest as I breathe.

words 1

2010-02-02T12:44:00.000-08:00

"I love you" yes sure I believe you, you have never lied to me before right?

Buuuuut no, love must mean something else in your world becuse when you love someone Benjamin you can never do to them what you did to me.

We you love someone, fuck everything else.

Just fuck it.

And yes I do actually think I should do that now all though you are so desperately beautiful.

I can not stand I love you Signe..but..but..but..but...

I can't stand it and I can't wait for you, I can't be destroyed.

You destroy me. I let you. Don't think anything else, you have no power over me, I am strong everyone says that.

I'm strong and precious I know it and pretty soon I'll be even more beautiful, and even lovelier. You will not be able to say no. You will say ohGodwhatdidIdoI'msosorry

yes you will change your mind and hate yourself because you crushed me for no reason when "you really just want to love".

Then THEN when I am beautiful, you will know everything I think about at night and then you'll want me but

Hah

Den gubben går inte

På ren svenska.

Someone, I said, Someone.

2010-02-02T01:27:00.000-08:00

I miss someone to lay beside me.
Now I have no one to compare heartbeat with. (Mine fast, his slow)
Don't get me wrong.
I don't want him (you) to come back.
It's just facts.

And another thing, I think I have cancer.
Feels like it.
It's hurts everywhere.
Skin, muscles, fat, bones, eyes.
I don't know how cancer feels.
But I'm guessing it feels like this.

first impression

2010-01-31T13:08:00.000-08:00

So what approach do you think I should have when I contact Hope?
People always say be yourself, so I'm thinking I'll go for
mentally ill-stalking-anorexic-untalented-fake blonde-aggressive girl from Sweden yes?

2010-01-31T13:03:00.000-08:00

For my swedish readers. A song I love.

blog tip.

2010-01-29T01:44:00.000-08:00

This girl, Avy. She breaks my heart with her beautiful words.
I cried when I read her last post.

The search for hope.

2010-01-28T02:18:00.000-08:00

So. Yes.
Benjamin hurt me.
Maby not emotionally but still.

I have been really down.
Missing mum alot.
Thinking about what the hell I'm doing here.
What the fuck am I doing in LA?
Who do I think I am?
And that stuff.

But now.
I think I know.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I will try to find Hope.

2010-01-27T14:35:00.000-08:00

Lovely girl.
Looks like I did 2 years ago.

2010-01-25T12:24:00.000-08:00

You know, it's strange.
First I really try to be in love.
To be amicable.

Now I really try to be alone.
To not be in love.

2010-01-24T05:53:00.000-08:00

And if you ever leave before I wake I will follow you in dreams.
A snake around yout feet, your arms, your neck.
Sleeping in your hair at day chasing all your fears away at night.
Nothing's right and nothing's wrong, just as long as you will stay.
But if you decide to disappear without a trace, don't save a single kiss of me.
I will search and find a thousand seas to drown my memories of you swaying hair like seaweed.
Dolphins wear your smile fishes lips as soft as breasts.
Everything weighs less in water, even grief.

So if you want to leave me, leave, but do it just the way a tear drops into the sea.

If it was a bad breakup?

2010-01-24T03:05:00.000-08:00

Well.
I guess you could say that.

But hey.
I'm ok.

And you should see the other guy.

2010-01-21T23:13:00.000-08:00

Ok so "Signe is no longer in a relationship".
On one hand very expected.
On the other hand really not.

I can't hold on to anything good.
I can't even hold on to something bad.

tell you more later.

2010-01-15T22:28:00.000-08:00

Sorry for my absence.
Benjamin found my blog and took my computer away.

or?

2010-01-09T13:55:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like dying.
Like Snowhite.
You know?

movements

2010-01-09T00:48:00.000-08:00

Can you see through me?
(Am I tranlucent?)

Give me your best shot.

2010-01-08T11:17:00.000-08:00

Weeeeell.
They guy who "raped and murdered me" was very nice and humble.
He was actually quite nervous about hurting me for real.
Hello?
Give it your best shot babe.
Well. I did'nt say that. I just thought it.
Now, of course, I have alot of bruices all over.
Benjamin is pissed with me for some reason.
But still.
I am very, very happy.

Really looking forward to my last days on set and to see the whole thing on tv.

And one more thing.
I have started to drink.

pretending

2010-01-07T09:57:00.000-08:00

To work at a café is.. not as much fun as filming.
It really is'nt.
Even though I have a great boss. (Love you Flora)
The days whenI don't stand in front of the camera, I pretend I'm an actress playing a character who works at a cafe. Who loves her boyfriend and is breath taking beautiful.

On set, day 1.

2010-01-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I worked my first day (of 4) on that Crime series I told U about earlier.
Met a bunch of stressed, nice people. The headofmakeupman and me bonded. He told me I had pretty eyebrows. How can U not love a person that gives yout eyebrow-compliments?
Exactly.
(Benjamin did'nt like it though, he kept repeating "What's this guys name? What's this guys name?", freak)

I did'nt do much.
Held my breath and stared mostly.
Tomorrow I'm going back to the café but the day after tomorrow we are going to do the rape-shoots. Oh, I really hope that the actor that is going to rape me is a good guy.

And because it's so much fun

2010-01-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

Over the holidays I spent alot of time with Benjamin (♥) and his family.
Although they all (of course) are great I could'nt help but to feel like the odd one out.
Benjamin tells me he's got it all now.
A great family, a promising future and, well, me.
The girlfriend. His girlfriend.

But.
I'm not the last piece in his collection.
I'm not a sweet girl, the future mother of his kids.
I'm a murderous, unstable, unsecure girl from Sweden who works at a cafeteria and get's raped on TV because I think it's good for my career.

Not me

2010-01-01T05:24:00.000-08:00

Love is a weird thing.
Sometimes the emotions are so strong that it´s hard to pinpoint exactly what it is you are feeling.
Love, contempt, obsession, dependence, hate?
All at once?
Who knows.

23/12

2009-12-24T03:27:00.000-08:00

Hey.
Merry Christmas.

can't be me who has the problem. Right?

2009-12-23T02:41:00.000-08:00

Hi.
I'm at Benjamins familys house.
I tried not to.
"Sorry baby, have to work over Christmas"
Forgot about Flora and Benjamins friendship and that Flora can't lie.
Or wont.

So.
I'm here now.
Turns out, Benjamins folks are huggers.
Touchers.
(They like to hug people. All the time. And touch them.)

And yes, I think they are trying to kill me.
I saw this movie called "Feed" about a psychopat who killed women bye feeding them to death.
And it feels like that what they are aiming for.
Son of Jesus they want me to eat all the time.
5 more days.
Only 5 more days.
If you don't hear from me, you know why.

memory lane.

2009-12-17T15:06:00.000-08:00

Oh. Damn.
You know that thing I wrote about me being naked and raped on TV? (jay)
Ehm.
Well. Yes.
Thats great and all.
But.
Im getting kind of nervous now.

My character is 14.
How was I when I was 14?
..............................................
...................................
.........................................
If somebody raped me and I was 14?
...........
..................................
oh.
God.

Truth

2009-12-16T14:15:00.000-08:00

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me.
I might brake.
I might kill you.
I am weak, but I'm very strong.

You can't just say you love me, you need to explane why.
(14 pounds more. Then I'll be perfect)

And I will.

2009-12-14T12:21:00.000-08:00

Well.
You could say I met them now.

Benjamin said:
This is my girlfriend. This is Signe.
They said:
Nice to meet you. Heard alot about you.
I said:
Nice to meet you to. (HEARD WHAT?!!WHAT DID YOU HEAR? WHAT DID HE SAY? WHY IS IT NICE TO MEET ME?!)

His sister looked at me with horror.
I tried holding my stomach in. Maby she thought I was to fat for her skinny brother.
Did'nt work.
His brother kept looking at my breasts. I think he was trying to find them.

When we left, all my clothes was soaked with sweat.
Benjamin got a text from the sister.
"Lovely girl! I'm so happy for you! She's gonna come for christmas? Bring her!"

Siblings

2009-12-14T09:33:00.000-08:00

My name is Signe.
When I grew up, I never missed siblings.
It was always just me and mom.
And that was perfect.
Well.
Maby not perfect.
But you get the idea.

Benjamin has one sister and one brother.
He loves them alot he says.
When I ask why, he just answers "Because they are my siblings!"
I don't get it.

Benjamin wants me to meet them.
And them to meet me.
So tomorrow we will.
Wish me luck.

Necks

2009-12-14T01:46:00.000-08:00

Benjamin talks about my neck alot.
How beautiful it is.
How fragile it is.
How thin the skin looks.

Must be some kind of hang up.
It worries me.

Dreams

2009-12-13T02:31:00.000-08:00

When other people dream that they are chased by something terrible, and that they are running, trying to get away (but they just cant)
I dream that I'm trying to beat someone up.
But the punches have no strength in them.
The blood should flow but does'nt.
The person I beat is totally unaffected.
Then I wake up. Sweaty.

Deer

2009-12-11T06:43:00.000-08:00

I love the small fragile deer when they dance by me
light and volatile as bright spots between the trees
shy and intangible as shadows in the velvet soft forest darkness.

I follow them and my eyes caresses their narrow,
thin legs and on the hips --
I wanted to carrey them in my arms and kiss their silksmooth
necks and bodys

I want to hold them close to me and crush their fragile limbs,
until the begging gold light in their eyes die
and the innocent blood starts to drip.

Trapped in my tenderness lives a prisoner hungry for murder.

But because I know and dare to say it,
I will win a strength to protect the defenseless,
that no perpetrators shall have power to deprive me of.

All good things comes in..two?

2009-12-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered about those actors/extras playing corpses in movies and series?
Who they are?

Have you ever wondered about me?
Who I am?
What I look like naked?
If I would look good dead?

All your questions will be answered soon.
I'm going to play a 14 years old girl (!!) that get's raped and murdered in one of those crime scene series that you see on TV all the time.
Yes, there will be blood.
Yes, I will be naked.

(No, Benjamin is not very pleased)

Benjamin

2009-12-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

Smells like christmas.
Wrote a song for me.
Strokes my hair when I'm trying to sleep.
Knows a lot about flowers.
Holds my hand all the time.
Is warm when I'm cold.
Loves.
Me.

Love.

2009-12-06T00:46:00.000-08:00

I am quiet.
I'm sorry.

I met someone.
His name is Benjamin.

Benjamin is a old friend to Flora.
Or, maby not very old.
He's 22.
How they became friends is a mystery to me.
I guess he just really likes coffee and old ladies, and she likes boys with big eyes and guitars.
I don't mean it like that! Perverts.

I did't think I liked boys.
Specially boys with guitars.
But I really like Benjamin.
Or, I love him. Lovelike. Likelove.

There you have it.

New Moon

2009-11-26T22:58:00.000-08:00

Flora says she missed me.
Her hair is grayer now.
Don't ask me how.
It just is.

I saw New Moon when I was back home in the cold.
I should have played all the characters.
Well. Maby in the next one I will.

now I need a penguin in blue shoes to.

2009-11-24T00:02:00.000-08:00

where I am

2009-11-22T23:57:00.000-08:00

They rebuilt the old stationshouse to a ghosthouse.
Then to Swedens first casino.

I never been there though.
I can't gamble with my dreams.

long time no see

2009-11-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

I' m in Sweden.
It's very dark here.
All the time.
Everybody's pale.

Mum wount let go of my hand.
Or maby it's me that wount let go.

Pets

2009-11-10T02:33:00.000-08:00

Tonight I dreamt about a hedgehog.
I tried having it as a pet.
She was very scared at first and had no name.
Then we became friends.
She even slept in my bed.
I protected her.

I really want a hedgehog now.

Coming at you

2009-11-09T16:07:00.000-08:00

I served a knuckle sandwich today, as T would have said.
I did.
It hit right on the cheek joint and the guy fell to the floor like jacked lumber.
I felt good.
Flora felt bad.
The guy was mad.
But he groped me.
And I didn't charge anything for the knuckles.
Nor the complimentary kick right on his balls.
My Phys ed soccer freak teacher would have been proud if he saw that kick.

Stay frosty. Or beware my almighty anger. It is.

cocks and fingerfucking

2009-11-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

After the boyfriend who had slime in his mouth, I met another one.
His name was Martin.
Martin was very tall.
He had brown eyes, big hands (long fingers), a huge cock and t-shirts that were too small.

Martin was kind of sweet.
But I don't think he ever understood me.
When I told him that I did'nt want to sleep with him, he said that was totally ok and then he fucked me with his fingers.
I never understood him either.

His fingers were so long.
I could feel him poke my cervix.

Hope

2009-11-04T02:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Hope.
You don't know me, but I know you.
Or at least I feel like I do.

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
You made believe in my future.

You are everything I want to be, you have already done everything I want to do.

I love you.
I look up to you.

Are you happy?
I feel like you are not.

Food and Macbeth

2009-11-01T14:37:00.000-08:00

I have been away for a while.
Not away away.
Just away.

Been feeling a little under the weather.
Fainted at work.
Poor Flora was so worried.
Sent me home. (Sorry Kim)

I'm trying to eat again.
It hurts, and also I feel like the food is making me crazy.
Out of my mind.
But I'm trying.
And I will also try not to communicate only with quotes from Macbeth.

Stars

2009-11-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

Stars, hide your fires!
Let not light see my black and deep desires

2009-10-31T04:10:00.000-07:00

O, full of scorpions is my mind, dear wife

My cancer.

2009-10-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

I wake up in the middle of the night.
Panicing over something.
Hands and feet cold like ice.
Heart pounding.

In the mirror I see a terrible looking person.
This gloomy, pail, skinny girl, dark under the eyes, thin hair, big dead eyes.
She scares the shit out of me.
I blink my eyes, and after a while I can see myself again.

My old self.
Chubby cheeks, doublechin, little pig eyes.

I've been fasting forever now.
Does not seem to help.
I still feel....greasy.
Fat.
I'm still dirty.
And I don't feel any better.
At all.

Fucking hell.
I belive the cancer is back.

Babies

2009-10-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

Do you want children?
I don't.
Or.
I don't. And I can't.
No worries really, I would'nt want to make another person like me anyway.
So.
Yeah.

Halloween and A Junction Party

2009-10-28T15:25:00.000-07:00

I was almost hit by a car today.
Damn thing wouldn't have happened if I didn't have to walk everywhere.
I really need to get a ride.
This is getting redicilous.
The walking.

Soon is Halloween, and it's crazy here.
But more important, it's some kind of street festival coming up.
Flora's been talking about it like it's the party of the year but I'm not that sure.
However there's buzz even among the uber-chick indie bitches drinking my coffee at Floras.
So I guess it's gonna be nice concerts, at least.
See u there?

Dark sides of Facebook

2009-10-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

----- Our chat on Wed, 10/28/09 12:11 AM -----

ramzi (11:59 PM): wat sour naim

Signe (11:59 PM): Who are you?

ramzi (11:59 PM): fain

Signe (12:00 AM): what do you want?

ramzi (12:00 AM): ay louve you

Signe (12:01 AM): That is very weird.

ramzi (12:02 AM): juste we can talk more

ramzi (12:02 AM): i think that y really like me

ramzi (12:02 AM): when y haven't problem

Signe (12:02 AM): And why is that?

Signe (12:02 AM): Problem?

Signe (12:04 AM): You are adding random people on yahoo mail and tell them that you love them.

Signe (12:04 AM): Why do you do that?

Signe (12:04 AM): Don't you have real people in france?

ramzi (12:05 AM): y think that i like go to frensh or i say this words to the all world in the tchat ? y are so incorrect i tel u something

ramzi (12:06 AM): about your talking $

Signe (12:06 AM): Why do you say it to me then?

ramzi (12:06 AM): i'm not a joking person

ramzi (12:07 AM): i'm so serieus

Signe (12:07 AM): That's great

ramzi (12:08 AM): so i tell y that y u like me

Signe (12:08 AM): But I have never met you. Ever.

Signe (12:09 AM): How did you find me?

ramzi (12:09 AM): i find y sooooo great

ramzi (12:10 AM): and y can't ask me why

Signe (12:10 AM): My question is, where did you find my email?

ramzi (12:11 AM): in facebook

Signe (12:11 AM): I see

Signe (12:18 AM): Well then, I hope you have a nice life.

ramzi (12:19 AM): yes i'm a rich

ramzi (12:19 AM): i work in the petrol

Signe (12:20 AM): In the petrol? Hope your not a smoker then.

ramzi (12:21 AM): loool

ramzi (12:22 AM): no i'm a smoker

ramzi (12:22 AM):

ramzi (12:22 AM): but i don't smoke when i work

ramzi (12:22 AM): i smoke when i talk with y

ramzi (12:22 AM): sweety

Signe (12:23 AM): I'm really not that sweet.

ramzi (12:23 AM): yes sweety

ramzi (12:23 AM): how old are y

Signe (12:24 AM): 19, I'm guessing you are older, and a man, and single. And that English is not your first language.

Signe (12:29 AM): Well, great chatting with you Ramzi. Good luck to you. Vi ses i Valhall.

Slinky

2009-10-27T05:32:00.000-07:00

Everybody loves a Slinky
You got to have a Slinky
Slinky Slinky
Go Slinky go!

making people angry part 3

2009-10-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

I guess I really was sick back then.
That I punished myself for not being my best, for not being loved or even liked by anyone else but mum and maby my math teacher.

I was so afraid.
I was afraid of my mother dying.
War.
Pedofiles.
Spiders.
Cancer.
Birds.
Rain.
Bridges.
Flyes.
Rapists and murderers.

I kept them all away by having alot of rules.
What to eat and not eat.
What do say.
How to act.
How to cut and to bleed.

Now, I'm not sick.
I don't cut myself anymore. (the scars are so unattractive.)
More important:
I'm not afraid.

making people angry part 2

2009-10-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

One pathetic time in my life I used to cut myself.
Not deep.
I never wanted to die.
Just shallow, thin lines so I could watch the blood run down my arms, like it was searching for something.
Like I was searching for something.

(I didn't eat and cut myself with razorblades, wonder why I had such a hard time making friends.)

I never got why some people would'nt let me do what I wanted with my own body though.
It was mine.
It was me who I did it to.
Why were they so involved?

Mom was by my side the whole time.
She washed my cuts clean and bought me lemons.
For several weeks lemons were the only thing I ate.
They made my stomache hurt like hell but I told myself that that was good.
That it was the vitamins taking care of my body, killing all the bad stuff I had in me.

Mom never said a hard word to me.
She never judged me or told me that I was stupid making my arms look like a wall in a cell in a old prison movie.
She never forced me to eat.
She never asked me why I just could'nt.

Making people angry

2009-10-25T01:32:00.000-07:00

When I was three years old I got very sick.
Mum told me that I sat under the table when she was making dinner and suddenly just fainted.
She rushed to the hospital and after some tests the doctor told her that I had meningitis.
I have a few memories of this, but strangely they are all good ones.
I remember how cool it felt to have a IV-needle in my hand.
The red balloons mum bought me, the colorful playroom with all the fun toys and the kind doctors.

Mum says I almost died and that she was terrified.

10 years later I was at the hospital again.
This time because they tought I had anorexia.
Maby I did.
I still don't know.

I loved hospitals.
The kind doctors with their worried eyes and the smell of clean people.
I loved the attention, that they cared for me.
That I made them so angry.

About murder

2009-10-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

I'm trying very hard to be a good person.
To love.
To care.

It's tough.
I think there is something wrong with me because as I told you before, I can't forgive.

I daydream about violently murder my former classmates.
About biting their ears off, about stabbing them in their eyes.

Good persons don't do that.
Loving people bake cakes.
They have boyfriends.
They sew curtains.

I guess I'm not a loving person.
But trust me. I do try.

Fuck California

2009-10-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

Met up with Kim yesterday.
She's a regular at Floras coffeeshop, kind of easy to spot her among the hordes of hipsters and indiekids.
Had a great time.
She picked me up with her car in the early noon and we went to the beach, talked and watched people.
I had no idea the highways could be as beautiful as in California.
So sweet, she made some vegan food but I still have to fast. Maybe she understands. I wasn't sure what she wanted. Always in control of myself; never in control of the world.

Kim, if you read this?
I think I found the song they played on the radio. We listened to it on the way home in the car.
Kind of fitting, since we had been talking about our future.
It's mostly looking like hammered shit.

Give me a lake that I can dive into
Bury my head in the shit at the bottom
Fuck today
Fuck San Francisco
Fuck California
I realize I never gave you a chance
I realize I never gave you romance
At the top of the hill
At the top of the hill
Leave me to stream in the current or breeze

Give me a lake that I can dive into
Bury my head in the shit at the bottom
Fuck today
Fuck Oakland
Fuck California
At the top of the hill
At the top of the hill
Leave me to stream in the current or breeze
Leave me to stream in the current or breeze
Leave me to stream in the current or breeze

Wild Light - California on my mind.

Dreaming eyes wide shut

2009-10-23T16:47:00.000-07:00

Whilst keeping hold of myself,
I am still stuck in the divorce with myself.

Am I to become another one?
Will I be myself, but anew?
Do I have the means.
Am I mean enough?
Cold enough.

I feel left out of myself.
Perhaps that is also what I left with my mother when I bought the one-way ticket to U.S. of Anything is possible.

mum, always mum.

2009-10-22T03:37:00.000-07:00

Hey mum.
I like it here.
It's very sunny and the people are more open here then back "home".
Kind of.

I made some friends, I've linked most of them here if you want to check them out, but also my boss Flora and the regulars at the café.
They are a bunch of crazys and their lifes are very different from mine but I do like them.

One thing that bugs me is that people think I'm sick again.
You loose a few pounds and suddenly your a anorexic.
Fuck.
It's like a curse.
I will never understand why it's so irritating for people that I don't eat much.
I mean, it's good for the environment, it's cheap, and it makes me look better.
Also I don't get my period, so I never need to buy tampons and I won't get pregnant (not that I would either way but you know..)

God, I'm not even that skinny.

Would be great if you came here to visit me soon.
I really miss you and you would like it here.
To be honest, sometimes it feels like I can't do this without you.

Love
/Signe

2009-10-21T02:47:00.000-07:00

Okej.

It's not always good.

Sometimes the spiders

crawls inside my head

Would be my sweetest day

2009-10-20T01:58:00.000-07:00

Hey dad.
I really miss you.
Mum says I look like you.
That our eyes gets the same color of black when we get angry.
I don't know what that means.

Hey dad.
Why did you die?
The guys in school said you left because I was so ugly and that you did not want me.
Was that really the reason?
Did you fled from me?

Dad.
Why didn't you haunt my classmates like the ghost in The Grudge?
I used to daydream about you riding in on a white horse, headless of course, slashing them into blood porridge with an ax.
Still do.

Demand and conquer

2009-10-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

Control. I am.
In control.
I demand, and conquer, step by step.

However, and I will only explain this once,
I like being in control.
It's a chosen path.
Beaten down by will.
My will.

If you are surfing this big wave of life... you can't stop the motion forward.
But you can control the board. And choose where on the wave you want to ride.
So it has to be a motion in harmony, like yin and yang.
If you loose control, life will drown you.
If you keep too tight control, you won't have energy enough to reach the top.
So, it's all about flow control. Body and mind in a steady flow.
And maintaining it by taking precious care of the body, and mind.

Therefore: continuing the fast whilst keeping Flora unknowing and doing some extra yoga.

My face

2009-10-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

Untill my face is everywhere, I don't want you to see it.
Is that ok?

Teatime

2009-10-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

I just came back from a short walk and some tea-shopping.
Finding good tea isn't easy, althou moving to LA certainly has made things easier.
So many asians around here it's crazy, but it's easy to get hold of some real nice teas.
Anyways, today I didn't have the time to plunge into the asian hoods, instead I took a small walk to the reservoir, Ivanhoe... hahha... and strolled the Silver Lake Blvd down to where it crosses the Strip.
About halfways is the Lamill Coffee. Just heard about it, but today I walked past it I just had to go in and check it out. Almost fell in love with this beautiful brewer.

Feeling kind of high, starting the fast over again.

And confident.

Yes.