I often feel like I'm the only, really honest person there is. Even if I lie about almost everything. I lie to people all the time, but then again I tell them that I do. I've told people never to trust me. Many times.
But the thing is. I try very hard to be true to myself nowadays. Including really letting myself be ugly. You know what I hate? People who says "Oh, you hate him do you? Noo you don't, hate is such a strong word." (Yes. I know it is. I do hate him. And now I hate you to. I hate you to.) People who cries to stupid tv programs about cancerkids or animals who gets tortured AND THEN TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT. "I was extremly moved, I cried for several hours afterwards. Felt sooo sorry for the kids/animals, I wish I could DO SOMETHING" (Oh no you don't. Your glad its them and not you.)
Nobody really cares about anyone else. Not really.
Yes. So I've been thinking. People in sweden really smell. I hate people who smell. I think its because most people here are constantly nervous. About what? I don't know. I think it's just a way of life.
BUT all things considered. I'm glad I'm back in this cold smelly country. Suits me better in so many ways.
Where have I been? I spent about 15 weeks at a place called "Freja" in the north of Sweden. They tried to mend me there. Almost everyone in the staff did a really good job. Maby not a great job, I mean, I'm still fucked up, but they did do a good job, because now, at least I can almost breathe again.
I made some new friends there to. My favourite one I named "Tilli. Im gonna tell you all about her later. .
Last night I dreamt about killing. Murder. I had murdered 3 persons. All men.
It didn't feel very good. I thought I was cold. Empty. When I woke up, I felt relieved. Not about killing them, because I had'nt done so. Because I had not done so.
Alot of things has happend since we last met. I missed U all.
My nose has been broken. I've lost weight. I've gained weight. I've lost it again. I spent alot of time in the hospital in Sweden. I found Hopes adress and wrote her a letter. I missed my girls. I missed myself. I almost died. I almost lived.
I'm considering to stop blogging. I no longer find the words. Or the feeling.
Giving up, or giving in. If you disappear from the Internet, you disappear in general? You die?
I also think I should get back together with Benj. Say sorry and just... be his. Maby it's not so bad to have somebody deciding everything for you? I no longer have the strength to create my own reality. He might as well do it for me. If he want's me, I'm his.
If this is the last you hear from me, I want to say thank you. You have enriched my life. You have moved me. Made my life a little better. Thank you.