Hi. I'm at Benjamins familys house. I tried not to. "Sorry baby, have to work over Christmas" Forgot about Flora and Benjamins friendship and that Flora can't lie. Or wont.
So. I'm here now. Turns out, Benjamins folks are huggers. Touchers. (They like to hug people. All the time. And touch them.)
And yes, I think they are trying to kill me. I saw this movie called "Feed" about a psychopat who killed women bye feeding them to death. And it feels like that what they are aiming for. Son of Jesus they want me to eat all the time. 5 more days. Only 5 more days. If you don't hear from me, you know why.
Oh. Damn. You know that thing I wrote about me being naked and raped on TV? (jay) Ehm. Well. Yes. Thats great and all. But. Im getting kind of nervous now.
My character is 14. How was I when I was 14? .............................................. ................................... ......................................... If somebody raped me and I was 14? ........... .................................. oh. God.
Benjamin said: This is my girlfriend. This is Signe. They said: Nice to meet you. Heard alot about you. I said: Nice to meet you to. (HEARD WHAT?!!WHAT DID YOU HEAR? WHAT DID HE SAY? WHY IS IT NICE TO MEET ME?!)
His sister looked at me with horror. I tried holding my stomach in. Maby she thought I was to fat for her skinny brother. Did'nt work. His brother kept looking at my breasts. I think he was trying to find them.
When we left, all my clothes was soaked with sweat. Benjamin got a text from the sister. "Lovely girl! I'm so happy for you! She's gonna come for christmas? Bring her!"
When other people dream that they are chased by something terrible, and that they are running, trying to get away (but they just cant) I dream that I'm trying to beat someone up. But the punches have no strength in them. The blood should flow but does'nt. The person I beat is totally unaffected. Then I wake up. Sweaty.
I love the small fragile deer when they dance by me light and volatile as bright spots between the trees shy and intangible as shadows in the velvet soft forest darkness.
I follow them and my eyes caresses their narrow, thin legs and on the hips -- I wanted to carrey them in my arms and kiss their silksmooth necks and bodys I want to hold them close to me and crush their fragile limbs, until the begging gold light in their eyes die and the innocent blood starts to drip.
Trapped in my tenderness lives a prisoner hungry for murder.
But because I know and dare to say it, I will win a strength to protect the defenseless, that no perpetrators shall have power to deprive me of.
Have you ever wondered about those actors/extras playing corpses in movies and series? Who they are?
Have you ever wondered about me? Who I am? What I look like naked? If I would look good dead?
All your questions will be answered soon. I'm going to play a 14 years old girl (!!) that get's raped and murdered in one of those crime scene series that you see on TV all the time. Yes, there will be blood. Yes, I will be naked.
Benjamin is a old friend to Flora. Or, maby not very old. He's 22. How they became friends is a mystery to me. I guess he just really likes coffee and old ladies, and she likes boys with big eyes and guitars. I don't mean it like that! Perverts.
I did't think I liked boys. Specially boys with guitars. But I really like Benjamin. Or, I love him. Lovelike. Likelove.
I served a knuckle sandwich today, as T would have said. I did. It hit right on the cheek joint and the guy fell to the floor like jacked lumber. I felt good. Flora felt bad. The guy was mad. But he groped me. And I didn't charge anything for the knuckles. Nor the complimentary kick right on his balls. My Phys ed soccer freak teacher would have been proud if he saw that kick.
After the boyfriend who had slime in his mouth, I met another one. His name was Martin. Martin was very tall. He had brown eyes, big hands (long fingers), a huge cock and t-shirts that were too small.
Martin was kind of sweet. But I don't think he ever understood me. When I told him that I did'nt want to sleep with him, he said that was totally ok and then he fucked me with his fingers. I never understood him either.
His fingers were so long. I could feel him poke my cervix.
I wake up in the middle of the night. Panicing over something. Hands and feet cold like ice. Heart pounding.
In the mirror I see a terrible looking person. This gloomy, pail, skinny girl, dark under the eyes, thin hair, big dead eyes. She scares the shit out of me. I blink my eyes, and after a while I can see myself again.
My old self. Chubby cheeks, doublechin, little pig eyes.
I've been fasting forever now. Does not seem to help. I still feel....greasy. Fat. I'm still dirty. And I don't feel any better. At all.
I was almost hit by a car today. Damn thing wouldn't have happened if I didn't have to walk everywhere. I really need to get a ride. This is getting redicilous. The walking.
Soon is Halloween, and it's crazy here. But more important, it's some kind of street festival coming up. Flora's been talking about it like it's the party of the year but I'm not that sure. However there's buzz even among the uber-chick indie bitches drinking my coffee at Floras. So I guess it's gonna be nice concerts, at least. See u there?
One pathetic time in my life I used to cut myself. Not deep. I never wanted to die. Just shallow, thin lines so I could watch the blood run down my arms, like it was searching for something. Like I was searching for something.
(I didn't eat and cut myself with razorblades, wonder why I had such a hard time making friends.)
I never got why some people would'nt let me do what I wanted with my own body though. It was mine. It was me who I did it to. Why were they so involved?
Mom was by my side the whole time. She washed my cuts clean and bought me lemons. For several weeks lemons were the only thing I ate. They made my stomache hurt like hell but I told myself that that was good. That it was the vitamins taking care of my body, killing all the bad stuff I had in me.
Mom never said a hard word to me. She never judged me or told me that I was stupid making my arms look like a wall in a cell in a old prison movie. She never forced me to eat. She never asked me why I just could'nt.
When I was three years old I got very sick. Mum told me that I sat under the table when she was making dinner and suddenly just fainted. She rushed to the hospital and after some tests the doctor told her that I had meningitis. I have a few memories of this, but strangely they are all good ones. I remember how cool it felt to have a IV-needle in my hand. The red balloons mum bought me, the colorful playroom with all the fun toys and the kind doctors.
Mum says I almost died and that she was terrified.
10 years later I was at the hospital again. This time because they tought I had anorexia. Maby I did. I still don't know.
I loved hospitals. The kind doctors with their worried eyes and the smell of clean people. I loved the attention, that they cared for me. That I made them so angry.
Met up with Kim yesterday. She's a regular at Floras coffeeshop, kind of easy to spot her among the hordes of hipsters and indiekids. Had a great time. She picked me up with her car in the early noon and we went to the beach, talked and watched people. I had no idea the highways could be as beautiful as in California. So sweet, she made some vegan food but I still have to fast. Maybe she understands. I wasn't sure what she wanted. Always in control of myself; never in control of the world.
Kim, if you read this? I think I found the song they played on the radio. We listened to it on the way home in the car. Kind of fitting, since we had been talking about our future. It's mostly looking like hammered shit.
Give me a lake that I can dive into Bury my head in the shit at the bottom Fuck today Fuck San Francisco Fuck California I realize I never gave you a chance I realize I never gave you romance At the top of the hill At the top of the hill Leave me to stream in the current or breeze
Give me a lake that I can dive into Bury my head in the shit at the bottom Fuck today Fuck Oakland Fuck California At the top of the hill At the top of the hill Leave me to stream in the current or breeze Leave me to stream in the current or breeze Leave me to stream in the current or breeze
Hey mum. I like it here. It's very sunny and the people are more open here then back "home". Kind of.
I made some friends, I've linked most of them here if you want to check them out, but also my boss Flora and the regulars at the café. They are a bunch of crazys and their lifes are very different from mine but I do like them.
One thing that bugs me is that people think I'm sick again. You loose a few pounds and suddenly your a anorexic. Fuck. It's like a curse. I will never understand why it's so irritating for people that I don't eat much. I mean, it's good for the environment, it's cheap, and it makes me look better. Also I don't get my period, so I never need to buy tampons and I won't get pregnant (not that I would either way but you know..)
God, I'm not even that skinny.
Would be great if you came here to visit me soon. I really miss you and you would like it here. To be honest, sometimes it feels like I can't do this without you.
Hey dad. I really miss you. Mum says I look like you. That our eyes gets the same color of black when we get angry. I don't know what that means.
Hey dad. Why did you die? The guys in school said you left because I was so ugly and that you did not want me. Was that really the reason? Did you fled from me?
Dad. Why didn't you haunt my classmates like the ghost in The Grudge? I used to daydream about you riding in on a white horse, headless of course, slashing them into blood porridge with an ax. Still do.
Control. I am. In control. I demand, and conquer, step by step.
However, and I will only explain this once, I like being in control. It's a chosen path. Beaten down by will. My will.
If you are surfing this big wave of life... you can't stop the motion forward. But you can control the board. And choose where on the wave you want to ride. So it has to be a motion in harmony, like yin and yang. If you loose control, life will drown you. If you keep too tight control, you won't have energy enough to reach the top. So, it's all about flow control. Body and mind in a steady flow. And maintaining it by taking precious care of the body, and mind.
Therefore: continuing the fast whilst keeping Flora unknowing and doing some extra yoga.
I just came back from a short walk and some tea-shopping. Finding good tea isn't easy, althou moving to LA certainly has made things easier. So many asians around here it's crazy, but it's easy to get hold of some real nice teas. Anyways, today I didn't have the time to plunge into the asian hoods, instead I took a small walk to the reservoir, Ivanhoe... hahha... and strolled the Silver Lake Blvd down to where it crosses the Strip. About halfways is the Lamill Coffee. Just heard about it, but today I walked past it I just had to go in and check it out. Almost fell in love with this beautiful brewer.
Feeling kind of high, starting the fast over again.