first impression

So what approach do you think I should have when I contact Hope?
People always say be yourself, so I'm thinking I'll go for
mentally ill-stalking-anorexic-untalented-fake blonde-aggressive girl from Sweden yes?

For my swedish readers. A song I love.

blog tip.

This girl, Avy. She breaks my heart with her beautiful words.
I cried when I read her last post.

The search for hope.

So. Yes.
Benjamin hurt me.
Maby not emotionally but still.

I have been really down.
Missing mum alot.
Thinking about what the hell I'm doing here.
What the fuck am I doing in LA?
Who do I think I am?
And that stuff.

But now.
I think I know.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I will try to find Hope.

Lovely girl.
Looks like I did 2 years ago.

You know, it's strange.
First I really try to be in love.
To be amicable.

Now I really try to be alone.
To not be in love.

And if you ever leave before I wake I will follow you in dreams.
A snake around yout feet, your arms, your neck.
Sleeping in your hair at day chasing all your fears away at night.
Nothing's right and nothing's wrong, just as long as you will stay.
But if you decide to disappear without a trace, don't save a single kiss of me.
I will search and find a thousand seas to drown my memories of you swaying hair like seaweed.
Dolphins wear your smile fishes lips as soft as breasts.
Everything weighs less in water, even grief.

So if you want to leave me, leave, but do it just the way a tear drops into the sea.

If it was a bad breakup?

Well.
I guess you could say that.



But hey.
I'm ok.



And you should see the other guy.

Ok so "Signe is no longer in a relationship".
On one hand very expected.
On the other hand really not.

I can't hold on to anything good.
I can't even hold on to something bad.

tell you more later.

Sorry for my absence.
Benjamin found my blog and took my computer away.

or?

Sometimes I feel like dying.
Like Snowhite.
You know?

movements

Can you see through me?
(Am I tranlucent?)

Give me your best shot.

Weeeeell.
They guy who "raped and murdered me" was very nice and humble.
He was actually quite nervous about hurting me for real.
Hello?
Give it your best shot babe.
Well. I did'nt say that. I just thought it.
Now, of course, I have alot of bruices all over.
Benjamin is pissed with me for some reason.
But still.
I am very, very happy.

Really looking forward to my last days on set and to see the whole thing on tv.

And one more thing.
I have started to drink.

pretending

To work at a café is.. not as much fun as filming.
It really is'nt.
Even though I have a great boss. (Love you Flora)
The days whenI don't stand in front of the camera, I pretend I'm an actress playing a character who works at a cafe. Who loves her boyfriend and is breath taking beautiful.

On set, day 1.

Yesterday I worked my first day (of 4) on that Crime series I told U about earlier.
Met a bunch of stressed, nice people. The headofmakeupman and me bonded. He told me I had pretty eyebrows. How can U not love a person that gives yout eyebrow-compliments?
Exactly.
(Benjamin did'nt like it though, he kept repeating "What's this guys name? What's this guys name?", freak)

I did'nt do much.
Held my breath and stared mostly.
Tomorrow I'm going back to the café but the day after tomorrow we are going to do the rape-shoots. Oh, I really hope that the actor that is going to rape me is a good guy.

And because it's so much fun

Over the holidays I spent alot of time with Benjamin (♥) and his family.
Although they all (of course) are great I could'nt help but to feel like the odd one out.
Benjamin tells me he's got it all now.
A great family, a promising future and, well, me.
The girlfriend. His girlfriend.

But.
I'm not the last piece in his collection.
I'm not a sweet girl, the future mother of his kids.
I'm a murderous, unstable, unsecure girl from Sweden who works at a cafeteria and get's raped on TV because I think it's good for my career.

Not me

Love is a weird thing.
Sometimes the emotions are so strong that it´s hard to pinpoint exactly what it is you are feeling.
Love, contempt, obsession, dependence, hate?
All at once?
Who knows.