What you mean "Back"?

I'm sorry guys.
I don't mean to assfuck you (in a bad way).
I am back.
Not just..alot.

Where have I been?
I spent about 15 weeks at a place called "Freja" in the north of Sweden.
They tried to mend me there.
Almost everyone in the staff did a really good job.
Maby not a great job, I mean, I'm still fucked up, but they did do a good job, because now, at least I can almost breathe again.

I made some new friends there to. My favourite one I named "Tilli.
Im gonna tell you all about her later.
.

Generation kill

Last night I dreamt about killing.
Murder.
I had murdered 3 persons. All men.

It didn't feel very good.
I thought I was cold.
Empty.
When I woke up, I felt relieved.
Not about killing them, because I had'nt done so.
Because I had not done so.

Alot of things has happend since we last met.
I missed U all.

My nose has been broken.
I've lost weight.
I've gained weight.
I've lost it again.
I spent alot of time in the hospital in Sweden.
I found Hopes adress and wrote her a letter.
I missed my girls.
I missed myself.
I almost died.
I almost lived.

I'm back.

Still alive.
Still breathing.

The end?

I'm considering to stop blogging.
I no longer find the words.
Or the feeling.

Giving up, or giving in.
If you disappear from the Internet, you disappear in general?
You die?

I also think I should get back together with Benj.
Say sorry and just... be his.
Maby it's not so bad to have somebody deciding everything for you?
I no longer have the strength to create my own reality.
He might as well do it for me.
If he want's me, I'm his.

If this is the last you hear from me, I want to say thank you.
You have enriched my life. You have moved me. Made my life a little better.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Vacation?

France.

Who's with me?

movietime

What you know you can't explain but you feel it.
You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad

I will stop soon.

Carry me
Embrace me
What I win I lose
This is my truth

Of every pain there is, I've felt, this is like never before
I miss your face you are in my dreams I die like never before

Carry me

Very gay.

Thank God for friends.
Thank God for girls.
I'm going to try my best to become a lesbian.
Tips?

sorry. again.

I'm not dead.
I've just been busy with being depressed over mum leaving and Benjamins"spontaneous visits".

Bodies

You gain an antropy
I feel like it´s fucking me
A love lead of the energy
Love living like a deity
Won a day
What a day
Jesus really died for me
I guess Jesus really tried for me

Bodies in the body tree
Bodies making chemistry
Bodies on my family
Bodies in the way I mean
Bodies in the cemetery
And that´s the way it´s got to be

Got to be rejection
From my reflection
I want perfection...

Hartford 1995

Baby, I've been, breaking glass in your room again
Listen

Don't look at the carpet, I drew something awful on it
See

You're such a wonderful person
But you got problems oh-oh-oh-oh
I'll never touch you

Cats

The cat (Felis silvestris catus), also known as the domestic cat or housecat to distinguish it from other felines and felids, is a small domesticated mammal that is valued by humans for its companionship and its ability to hunt vermin and household pests.

Cats have been associated with humans for at least 9,500 years, and are currently the most popular pet in the world.

Due to their close association with humans, cats are now found almost everywhere on Earth. This extreme adaptability and their worrying impacts on native animals has led to them being classed as an invasive species.

Most of these problems are caused by the large number of feral cats worldwide, with a population of up to 60 million of these animals in the United States alone.
Cats are similar in size and anatomy to the other Felids with light, flexible bodies and teeth adapted to killing small prey.

A skilled predator, the cat hunts over 1,000 species for food, using its excellent eyesight and hearing.

Blush

If today was not an endless highway and last night a wild and winding path
if tomorrow did not not feel so infinite then loneliness is a word that doesnt exist

But only if my love is waiting if I hear his heart softly beating if he only was this close to me
I can be the one I was yesterday

I cant see my reflection in the water
I cant say careless words
I cant hear my echo beat the street
Cant remember who I was yesterday

There is beauty in the river's silver songs, there is beauty in the dawn sun but when I look at my beloved's eye
A beauty greater than anything that I know

George

You take the trouble to construct a civilization, to build a society based on the principles of... of principle.
You make government and art and realize that they are, must be, both the same.
You bring things to the saddest of all points, to the point where there is something to lose.
Then, all at once, through all the music, through all the sensible sounds of men building, attempting, comes the Dies Irae.
And what is it?
What does the trumpet sound?
Up yours.

Like a puzzle

Everybody seems to be in pieces now.
Not me.
I'm collecting them.

yes?

Today:
Lace and a glued on piercing to show mom what a great idea it is for me to get a real one.

conversations

Mom: So...this...... is.....where you live?
Me: ...yes.
Mom: It's...very cosy.
Me: I know.
Mom (looking at the walls): um. Signe?
Me: Yes mom?
Mom: Am I..looking at your breasts right now?
Me: yes. Yes you are.
Mom: Why am I looking at your breasts?
Me: I forgot to tell you. Im also a photographer-artist now.
Mom: A photographer-artist?
Me: A photographer-artist.
Mom: Ok.
Me: Mhm.
Mom: Is that really..
Me: No it's not a word. I just made it a word. Like, you know, I'm a word-artist.
Mom: Ok.
Me: ..........
Mom: Signe, I think you are a very talented photographer-artist.
Me: Thank you.
Mom: Can you please take that down when I'm here?
Me: Most def.

until now, part 1

My name is Signe.
About 6 months ago I moved to Silverlake from Sundsvall Sweden.
I did it to find happiness.
To be somebody.
To find Hope. (click on the link people, I am not talking about hope. I'm talking about Hope.)
To get away from some bad people.
To see the sun.

I live in a small apartment close to my job at Floras cafe´.
I go to as many auditions that I can. Movies, commersials, theater plays, model jobs, whatever.
A while ago a met a boy. His name was Benjamin. We fell in love.
I met his family. They touched me. (Not my soul. My body)
Me and Benjamin were a lovely couple. We really were.
He was very kind to me. Then we had a fight. He found my blog. We had another fight. He became very jealous. His eyes went black. So did my body. Black and blue.
We broke up.

I made some friends.
They made out with each other.
And lately, as it turns out also with each others boyfriends.

Visit.

Mom's here.
When she saw me she cried.
Then I cried because she cried.
Then we hold each other and cried. For like two hours.

Then we had some tea.
Tomorrow I will bring her to the café to meet wonderful Flora and Sarah.

questions

I need some help here.
I really need my extra key.
Benjamin left it as his mothers place, and he wont get it for me.
So.
Yes.
I need to call her.
And pick it up.

How do I do that?
What should I say?
Does she hate me now? (Probably)
And why is Benjamin still reading my blog?

Im sorry guys.
I've been really busy with the car commercial.
It's finished now, it was great fun to do it, and I look forward to seeing the results.

Mum is coming tomorrow.
I can't wait.
And also, I cant figure out what I want to show her first, who I want her to meet.

And yes, if I could get my key back from Benjamin, that would be swell.

But Im still into nudity. Dont worry.

1. I need this dress
2. I miss my blond hair.
3. Since when do I care about clothes? Well, from today I guess.

Kisses.

big win

I heard a wonderful thing today.
MOM IS COMING HERE!!
omgomgomgomg.
I miss her so much.
And I can't wait for her to meet Flora and my girls!
Jippieee!
Glädjens fest!

Now I need to clean my apartment.
I will do it, singing this song.

SuperSigne

If I could choose a superpower.
It would be invisibility.
Fuck flying, be really really strong, being able to teleport, and everything else.
I'd take invisibility over them any day.
That's kind of weird coming from a girl who just wants to be seen, don't you think?

What would you choose?

talented girl

For those of you who noticed my new banner and thought:
"OH WOW! That's the best banner I've ever seen! Signe could never maid it herself! It's so...perfect. Fits the blog so well. Mmmm. Banner.."

You are absolutely right.
I didn't do it myself.
Sara did.
If you click on her link you can
1. credit her for her good work
2. ask her to do yours
3. read her post about me and then help me understand what she means. (If you want to be a little undercovercop about it you can email me, signesigne@ymail.com)

(Actually, even if you hate undercovercops, email me anyway. I really would love to hear, ehm, read what's on your great minds)

All my love.

I'm sorry but

How beautiful is this woman?
Dear lord.


And also, AAAH my hair! My hair!

The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.

Hah.

Ok so I've got a job.
It's a car commercial. (Shut up, alot of serious actors do commercials this days of financial crisis)
They want to make it Pulpfictionich. (Don't ask)
So they are going to cut my hair.
And dye it.

If I said yes? Well of course.
Do you know how much they pay?
I do. (ALOT)

I find it very amusing that they can't find some girl who, well, looks more like Uma Thurman. But hey. I like people that aren't picky.



Can you see it?
=)

Flora

I know I told you this 100 times before.
But I have the best boss.
Her name is Flora and she's the owner of the cafe´where I work.

She always gives me time of to go to auditions.
She let's me call mum from her phone. (Mum lives in Sweden = expensive to talk to her)
She hugs me everyday.
She pays me more money than she should.

I was really worried when Benjamin dumped me.
They are friends, that's how I met him.
What would Flora think? I know Benjamin blames me for everything, would she?

When I told her, she was silent for a long time.
Then she said "Why?".
I took my shirt off.
She gave me a hug (a soft one).
And she didn't say it, but I know she will never speak to him again.

Before this

Often when I read blogs I found myself thinking, "for the love of God, if you can't spell, don't write."
Then I moved to LA and started a blog in english.
I can't write in english.

I thought people would be cruel to me.
Commenting about my bad language.
Asking me to please stop writing.
Learn the language goddamnit!
But no.

None of you have.
Because you are the best blog-readers in the world.
Yes you are.
And I -really- do Love you all.

If you want to be my friend you can find me here.
Please do.

What do you do

when people do this to you?

(Love them)

young love.

You know how different seasons and how they smell can bring you back to a certain emotion, immediately you go back to the memory of specific event?

I was 9.
It was dinner with steak and Vienetta for dessert on Sundays, the longing for a summer vacation that never wanted to come and I was in love with a boy.
Micke. Micke. Micke. Micke.
He had the coolest bicycle and brown eyes.
For a whole lifetime I had been in love with Mike.
At least half a year anyway.
We would get married but we would not have children, only 2 rabbits.

One day I found a note on my bench.
"Do u want to be my girrlfriend? From Micke"
My heart pounded. I almost died.
I became all red and warm.
YEEEEES! I wanted to scream but instead I wrote
"Yes, okay you can"

On the next break Mike's friend Andreas came to me.
I did not like him very much because had a studder and long nails.
Andreas told me that he accidentally put Mickes note on the wrong bench. The right bench was Annikas bench.
He asked if I could ask Annika to be Mickes girlfriend for him.
I did.
She said yes.

Party.

Yesterday I went to a party at Avys house with Kim.
For me it was kind of like a "blogparty" or a huge blindate because a lot of the girls there, I only "met" true their blogs.

Kim had made me a vegan lemon cheesecake. Can you imagine?
She actually baked me a cake. For my birthday.
Nobody has ever done that before. Except for my mom of course.

Had a great evening, despite some dramatic events.
Tell you more about it later.

<3

Future

(picture borrowed from flickr)


Future.
People are so very interested in it.
My one that is.
Just because I'm not close to dying of old age people think they have the right to intrude in my personal life and ask me how I want my future.
With nails and claws.
"What do you want to dooooo? "Who do you want to beeeee?"
If you're not sure or dont want to answere their questions you get advises.
Suddenly, the bastards are experts in your life.

Next time someone asks me what I want to do.
I will answer "nothing".
Nothing at all.

(And yes. It's my birthday today)

Never give up

So far my attempts to find Hope has been unsuccessful.
When you can't find what your looking for on the Internet you get totally confused.
Child of my generation? Yes.

I don't know where to begin, I can't remember when I saw the show.
I don't know her last name.
Is she alive?
Where does she live?
I don't even know if Hope is her real name.

But I will find her. I will.

And hey, thank you for telling me about your selfs.
<3

some people

Sometimes it feels like people gets stuck on you.
Sticks firmly like glue.
Touching one's body.
Grabbing one's soul.
Unwanted guests who crowd into your head and reality.
You try to get rid off them but they have barbs, and will not disappear.
Such people never disappear.
You can only get rid of Such people if you disappear yourself.
Fade
or
languish.

Then you can kill them with full force.

Love letters

"February 4, 2010 5:34 AM
Anonymous said...
You make me sad. How about that.
/B."


Yeah Benjamin. How about that?
Really?
No, wait.
REALLY?

Ok.
Well.
I wouldn't want you to feel sad Benjamin.
I wouldn't want you to get hurt.
I mean. In any way. Hurt.
So here's some tips for you.
1. Stop being an ass.
2. Really. Stop.
3. I'f I make you sad, then don't read my blog. Stop calling me. Stop dropping by the cafe´. Basically, leave me alone. I think that's best for both of us, because like you said, I'm a "loony, unstable bitch", and if I ever see you again I will stab you in the eye with a screwdriver, and I don't mean the drink. Yes?

How about that?

Uppdat:

"Anonymous said...
How about grow up and answere my calls and leave me the fukn hell outa this damn blog, or what eva it´s called.
& yeah I took the bait, so fukn what."

Tell me everything.

Dear friends.
The last couple of days the number of people reading this blog has increased very much.
I am so happy about that.
Very happy.
And very curious.
Who are you guys? Tell me!

I'll go first:

Name: Signe
Makes me happy: Lemons, green tea, friends, mom.
Live where? Silverlake, LA
Makes me sad: society, Benjamin, music
Favorite blog: (among many others) http://ice-age-heat-wave.blogspot.com/
My own blog: http://soonitwillbeme.blogspot.com/
Favorite food: Soya yoghurt with berries
Favorite look: Audrey Hepburn (I know, boring, but I really do adore her!)
Life story: Read my blog. =)
(Feel free to write as much as you want here)

Your turn.

words 2

Ok.
Today I'm over Benjamin.

I think I really did love him dearly, but fuck that.
I loved the time we spent together but I don't care anymore.
He destroyed our evenings, mornings, nights and days.
I lost him, he made me loose him.
He lost me.

He was wonderful though. And the way he effectively managed sometimes to made me feel was even better.
But he does not know me anymore I am somebody else.
He created her.

No more crying.
I wash my mind clean and press away that strong something in my chest as I breathe.

words 1

"I love you" yes sure I believe you, you have never lied to me before right?

Buuuuut no, love must mean something else in your world becuse when you love someone Benjamin you can never do to them what you did to me.

We you love someone, fuck everything else.

Just fuck it.

And yes I do actually think I should do that now all though you are so desperately beautiful.

I can not stand I love you Signe..but..but..but..but...

I can't stand it and I can't wait for you, I can't be destroyed.

You destroy me. I let you. Don't think anything else, you have no power over me, I am strong everyone says that.

I'm strong and precious I know it and pretty soon I'll be even more beautiful, and even lovelier. You will not be able to say no. You will say ohGodwhatdidIdoI'msosorry

yes you will change your mind and hate yourself because you crushed me for no reason when "you really just want to love".

Then THEN when I am beautiful, you will know everything I think about at night and then you'll want me but

Hah

Hah

Den gubben går inte

På ren svenska.

Someone, I said, Someone.

I miss someone to lay beside me.
Now I have no one to compare heartbeat with. (Mine fast, his slow)
Don't get me wrong.
I don't want him (you) to come back.
It's just facts.

And another thing, I think I have cancer.
Feels like it.
It's hurts everywhere.
Skin, muscles, fat, bones, eyes.
I don't know how cancer feels.
But I'm guessing it feels like this.

first impression

So what approach do you think I should have when I contact Hope?
People always say be yourself, so I'm thinking I'll go for
mentally ill-stalking-anorexic-untalented-fake blonde-aggressive girl from Sweden yes?

For my swedish readers. A song I love.

blog tip.

This girl, Avy. She breaks my heart with her beautiful words.
I cried when I read her last post.

The search for hope.

So. Yes.
Benjamin hurt me.
Maby not emotionally but still.

I have been really down.
Missing mum alot.
Thinking about what the hell I'm doing here.
What the fuck am I doing in LA?
Who do I think I am?
And that stuff.

But now.
I think I know.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I will try to find Hope.